1 00:00:20,249 --> 00:00:24,170 My name is Will McKenzie, and my first year in state education has been an 2 00:00:24,170 --> 00:00:25,170 unqualified success. 3 00:00:25,450 --> 00:00:28,090 And by unqualified, I mean I've failed all my exams. 4 00:00:28,730 --> 00:00:32,990 That said, I have made three friends. Yep, three whole friends in one year. 5 00:00:33,150 --> 00:00:35,130 And they're the sort of friends everyone should have. 6 00:00:35,490 --> 00:00:39,310 Ones that are so tragic, they almost make someone like me... Feisty one you 7 00:00:39,310 --> 00:00:40,350 are! ...look normal. 8 00:00:40,850 --> 00:00:44,230 But things were going to be different this year. For one, Jay could now drive, 9 00:00:44,250 --> 00:00:47,030 meaning we had a choice of which shit-embarrassing car we got to lift to 10 00:00:47,030 --> 00:00:47,589 school in. 11 00:00:47,590 --> 00:00:48,590 Simon's was more yellow. 12 00:00:48,970 --> 00:00:50,090 But Jay's was more dangerous. 13 00:00:51,470 --> 00:00:52,470 Morning, benders. 14 00:00:52,610 --> 00:00:53,650 Jump in the minge-mobile. 15 00:00:54,010 --> 00:00:55,250 Strange thing to call your mum's car. 16 00:00:58,250 --> 00:01:01,090 Jay driving us to school really did make me feel like royalty. 17 00:01:01,570 --> 00:01:04,170 Unfortunately, the royalty I felt like was Princess Diana. 18 00:01:04,550 --> 00:01:05,550 Roundabout, Jay! 19 00:01:05,950 --> 00:01:07,730 Get away to the fucking left! 20 00:01:08,830 --> 00:01:11,350 Stupid old bint. I think that's the right, mate. 21 00:01:11,590 --> 00:01:12,590 Is it? 22 00:01:13,270 --> 00:01:14,630 Oh, yeah, that does sound familiar. 23 00:01:14,990 --> 00:01:15,990 What's that in your ear? 24 00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:17,210 Oh, it's a piercing. 25 00:01:17,580 --> 00:01:20,760 It's just a stud for now, but my dad's minded me a diamond to put in it. Cool. 26 00:01:20,980 --> 00:01:22,940 Hang on. Have you had the left ear pierced? 27 00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:25,400 Yes. You know the one you get pierced to show you're gay? 28 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:26,579 Fuck off! 29 00:01:26,580 --> 00:01:27,660 Oh, yeah, that is the gay one. 30 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:30,480 Well, there's a quick way to tell, Neil. Which ears your dad got pierced? 31 00:01:30,620 --> 00:01:33,420 Neither, cos he's not bent. Of course not. Well, which ear's gay? 32 00:01:33,620 --> 00:01:35,640 I'm the last person to ask. I thought you knew everything. 33 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:38,100 Well, I don't know any men who've had their ears pierced cos I went to a 34 00:01:38,100 --> 00:01:38,958 private school. 35 00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:39,980 Why have you had that done, anyway? 36 00:01:40,260 --> 00:01:41,260 Oh, I like to keep my look fresh. 37 00:01:41,750 --> 00:01:43,690 Plus, I'll probably need it for the fashion show tomorrow. 38 00:01:43,910 --> 00:01:47,650 Oh, yes, the school charity fashion show, where only people deemed good 39 00:01:47,650 --> 00:01:50,890 -looking enough by other good-looking people get to take part and raise money. 40 00:01:51,150 --> 00:01:52,210 Well, there's going to be special guests. 41 00:01:52,450 --> 00:01:53,450 Special guests? 42 00:01:53,550 --> 00:01:57,510 Oh, I wonder who that's going to be. Maybe Beyonce and Jay-Z, the Obamas? 43 00:01:57,810 --> 00:02:00,610 Look, I don't give a shit what you think about it, because when I'm up there 44 00:02:00,610 --> 00:02:02,230 modelling, I'll have my pick at a snatch. 45 00:02:02,670 --> 00:02:04,430 Everyone knows that male models get all the pussy. 46 00:02:04,690 --> 00:02:06,050 I didn't know they asked you to model, Jay. 47 00:02:06,330 --> 00:02:07,550 Well, I haven't yet, and I haven't asked anyone. 48 00:02:07,830 --> 00:02:08,829 I think they have. 49 00:02:08,889 --> 00:02:10,930 Well, I'm telling you they haven't because no one's asked me. But it's 50 00:02:10,930 --> 00:02:12,230 tomorrow. Are you deaf? 51 00:02:12,450 --> 00:02:15,670 I've not been asked. I'll be the first in line for any modelling work. Look at 52 00:02:15,670 --> 00:02:16,670 me. 53 00:02:16,830 --> 00:02:17,910 Well, I've been asked. 54 00:02:18,290 --> 00:02:19,228 Fuck off! 55 00:02:19,230 --> 00:02:21,510 Carly's one of the organisers and she's asked me to model. You? 56 00:02:21,810 --> 00:02:25,330 Who wants a model that looks like a spotty baby crossed with a Statue of 57 00:02:25,330 --> 00:02:27,030 Liberty? Statue of Liberty? His hair. 58 00:02:27,390 --> 00:02:30,690 Oh, yeah. It was hard to know where Jay got the idea he should be a male model. 59 00:02:30,790 --> 00:02:33,350 It seemed like it just stemmed from a sense of thinking Simon was 60 00:02:33,350 --> 00:02:34,350 spectacularly ugly. 61 00:02:34,630 --> 00:02:36,810 Seriously, what clothes are going to look better on you than me? 62 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:40,300 Apart from a paper bag for your fucking head. Brilliant. Shall we give it a rest 63 00:02:40,300 --> 00:02:41,039 now, Jay? 64 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:41,978 Good morning. 65 00:02:41,980 --> 00:02:43,660 Shut up and let's get this over with. 66 00:02:43,900 --> 00:02:45,480 Right. Wait a minute. 67 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:47,240 Cartwright? What is that? 68 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:48,600 It's a stud, sir. 69 00:02:48,740 --> 00:02:49,780 I don't mean the earring. 70 00:02:50,460 --> 00:02:54,240 Take it out or I will rip it out. But what about my human rights? 71 00:02:54,540 --> 00:02:57,220 You have to be human for those to apply cartwright. Out. Now. 72 00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:00,440 Right. I'm sure that most of you will remember Alastair Scott. 73 00:03:01,340 --> 00:03:04,720 Yes, Sutherland? I don't. You sat next to him in registration for four years? 74 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:09,630 Oh, well... Well, thankfully, after a tough year, they found a donor and he's 75 00:03:09,630 --> 00:03:10,630 finally on the mend. 76 00:03:10,770 --> 00:03:14,310 In preparation for his return to school, he's coming in at lunchtime to answer 77 00:03:14,310 --> 00:03:17,590 any questions you may have about his illness and... Yes, Sutherland? 78 00:03:17,850 --> 00:03:21,210 Can I catch it? No. You cannot catch kidney failure. 79 00:03:22,010 --> 00:03:23,590 Mackenzie, my office. Ten minutes. 80 00:03:24,810 --> 00:03:25,810 What's Gilbert want? 81 00:03:25,990 --> 00:03:28,390 Probably wants me to act as a chaperone for that Alistair kid. 82 00:03:28,610 --> 00:03:29,610 Poor guy. 83 00:03:29,750 --> 00:03:30,910 Imagine what he's been through. 84 00:03:31,250 --> 00:03:32,250 He's a dick. 85 00:03:32,540 --> 00:03:34,220 Jay? What? He is a dick. 86 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:36,700 I never liked him when he was well, I never liked him when he was ill, and I 87 00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:37,700 don't like him now he's getting better. 88 00:03:37,860 --> 00:03:39,060 Simples. Oh, he was all right. 89 00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:42,720 Oh, he wasn't. He was a complete bellend. He was worse than briefcase. 90 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:43,799 Thanks very much. 91 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,300 Look, he's had a hugely traumatic time. Maybe he's changed. 92 00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:49,460 He's not going to have got more interest in an hospital bed attached to a drip 93 00:03:49,460 --> 00:03:52,380 for a year, is he? What a sympathetic view of a life-threatening illness. 94 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:53,799 And he used to stink. 95 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:54,679 I'm not going. 96 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,200 Oh, come on, Jay, there might be sausage rolls. 97 00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:57,540 Why would there be sausage rolls? 98 00:03:57,820 --> 00:04:00,220 We had sausage rolls when my nan died. He's not dead, Neil. 99 00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:01,440 Isn't he? 100 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:03,020 Well, he still might have sausage rolls, though. 101 00:04:03,260 --> 00:04:04,480 Fine, fuck it, I'll come. 102 00:04:04,700 --> 00:04:06,320 But I'm warning you, he's a dick. 103 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:09,800 If Jay thought Alistair was a dick, he was almost certainly a nice bloke. 104 00:04:09,980 --> 00:04:11,260 Unlike Mr Gilbert. 105 00:04:11,580 --> 00:04:12,580 You wanted to see me, sir? 106 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:14,000 Want is an overstatement. 107 00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:17,360 I'm putting you in charge of collecting the money for tomorrow's fashion show. 108 00:04:17,540 --> 00:04:20,100 The last time they had a collection for charity, nearly half the money went 109 00:04:20,100 --> 00:04:22,920 missing, and then the organisers started turning up in new trainers. 110 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,900 Well, sir, whilst I'm really pleased that you think I'm trustworthy enough 111 00:04:25,900 --> 00:04:26,900 to... Oh, it's not that. 112 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:30,320 I just know that if anything did happen, I could break you. 113 00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:35,080 Right. Well, the thing is, I object to the fashion show on a moral level. 114 00:04:35,300 --> 00:04:38,180 I'm sorry. It's not about raising money. It's a popularity parade. 115 00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:41,440 It's just the self-elected attractive people using charities as an excuse to 116 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:42,440 show off. 117 00:04:42,860 --> 00:04:44,620 Well, this is a first. 118 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,340 As it happens, Mackenzie, I agree with you. You do? 119 00:04:47,540 --> 00:04:51,080 Yes. Great. So you understand why I'd rather not compromise my principles? 120 00:04:51,260 --> 00:04:52,260 Yes, I do. Totally. 121 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:55,080 Unfortunately for you, it's not the First World War. 122 00:04:55,450 --> 00:04:56,850 you can't conscientiously object. 123 00:04:57,210 --> 00:05:01,650 So, you either collect the money or it's detention, starting now and continuing 124 00:05:01,650 --> 00:05:06,470 indefinitely. But... you said you agreed with me. Yes, I know. 125 00:05:06,850 --> 00:05:08,030 It's a tricky one, isn't it? 126 00:05:09,050 --> 00:05:12,430 OK, fine, I'll do it. But I'm still exercising my right to protest. 127 00:05:12,850 --> 00:05:15,950 Good. Just make sure it's not a dirty protest like the last one. 128 00:05:17,930 --> 00:05:21,610 Just as a stopped clock gives the correct time twice a day, once a term 129 00:05:21,610 --> 00:05:22,650 Neil gets something right. 130 00:05:23,130 --> 00:05:24,290 Told you there'd be sausage rolls. 131 00:05:25,090 --> 00:05:26,090 Look at him. 132 00:05:26,530 --> 00:05:28,070 Fucking milking it. Jay? 133 00:05:28,290 --> 00:05:29,290 He's in a wheelchair. 134 00:05:29,490 --> 00:05:32,530 He was always a bit lazy, though. I don't think it's that, Neil. Why's Carly 135 00:05:32,530 --> 00:05:33,530 finding him so funny? 136 00:05:33,570 --> 00:05:36,470 I mean, what can he be saying that's so funny? He was never funny. 137 00:05:36,850 --> 00:05:38,190 Um, excuse me, everyone. 138 00:05:38,890 --> 00:05:40,430 Quiet. I want to talk. 139 00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:46,580 I wanted to say super thanks to everyone who's given up their time to take part 140 00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:50,520 in the fashion show tomorrow to raise money for a new dialysis machine for St. 141 00:05:50,740 --> 00:05:52,880 Margaret's. Especially all the sexy girls. 142 00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:58,060 Did you just say super thanks? 143 00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:01,480 Well, nobody told me we was raising money for that twat. Might think twice 144 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:03,440 about modelling tomorrow now. You're not modelling anyway. 145 00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:06,680 Oh, it's going to be a gash-a-rama. I'm going to try getting a job helping out 146 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:09,960 backstage, so that way I get to see some close-up flange, but for charity. 147 00:06:10,590 --> 00:06:13,870 Hi, Simon. You come to the rehearsal after school? Yeah, of course. How much 148 00:06:13,870 --> 00:06:16,450 rehearsal does it take to walk up and down in a straight line wearing clothes? 149 00:06:16,890 --> 00:06:18,430 It's more for timings and stuff, really. 150 00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:19,910 Do you need any helpers, Carly? 151 00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:23,130 Oh, brilliant, we do, actually. Hardly anyone has volunteered and we really 152 00:06:23,130 --> 00:06:24,450 need people to help get the models dressed. 153 00:06:24,750 --> 00:06:25,750 Christ, I knew they were stupid. 154 00:06:25,930 --> 00:06:26,930 Can't they even dress themselves? 155 00:06:27,130 --> 00:06:28,250 It's for the quick changes, actually. 156 00:06:28,570 --> 00:06:31,390 Whip one outfit off and another one on. If you're sure you don't mind, Neil. Are 157 00:06:31,390 --> 00:06:32,009 you joking? 158 00:06:32,010 --> 00:06:33,010 Great, thanks. 159 00:06:33,990 --> 00:06:35,470 Hey, guys. Everybody cool? 160 00:06:36,070 --> 00:06:39,530 Hi, I'm Will, by the way. I'm relatively new. Are you the kid who shit himself in 161 00:06:39,530 --> 00:06:40,530 the exam? 162 00:06:40,630 --> 00:06:43,030 Nice to meet you, too. Now, I was wondering if you and I could have a 163 00:06:43,030 --> 00:06:45,490 little chat about some other ways to raise money, ways that could include 164 00:06:45,490 --> 00:06:47,770 everyone, the whole school, whatever they look like? 165 00:06:48,170 --> 00:06:52,150 Yeah, could do, only you're not as pretty as Carly, so I think right now 166 00:06:52,150 --> 00:06:53,170 I'm going to go and chat to her, yeah. 167 00:06:53,490 --> 00:06:54,389 See you. 168 00:06:54,390 --> 00:06:55,390 Carly! Carly! 169 00:06:55,470 --> 00:06:58,670 Dick. You don't think him and Carly are... Nah. 170 00:06:59,110 --> 00:07:01,230 Nah. If they are, I bet he's really good at it. 171 00:07:01,450 --> 00:07:03,930 Brilliant. Oh, I'm going to have to go. I've got a missed call from Ralph 172 00:07:03,930 --> 00:07:04,930 Lauren. 173 00:07:05,540 --> 00:07:06,540 Didn't even ring, did it? 174 00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:10,020 I'm well excited. Imagine the birds I'm going to get to see as a dresser. It's 175 00:07:10,020 --> 00:07:12,640 not top international models, Neil. It's just a load of the girls from school 176 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:13,640 that you see every day. 177 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,320 Yeah, but I think I'd fancy them a lot more if I saw them naked. 178 00:07:16,980 --> 00:07:20,800 I'll say this for Neil. At least his ambitions were simple. See tits and or 179 00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:22,880 fanny. Jay's were a lot more unrealistic. 180 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:24,400 Um, Carly, can I have a word? 181 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:25,560 I'm a bit busy. What's up? 182 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:28,240 I was just wondering if you needed any more models for tomorrow? 183 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:29,920 No, we're fine. 184 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:31,120 Good, good. 185 00:07:31,220 --> 00:07:33,560 I don't know if you noticed, but I've had my ear pierced. 186 00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:34,820 Oh, right. 187 00:07:35,229 --> 00:07:38,270 So do you think you can fit one more in now? Well, no, because you've only got a 188 00:07:38,270 --> 00:07:39,270 certain amount of clothes. 189 00:07:40,290 --> 00:07:41,430 Well, I could wear my own clothes. 190 00:07:42,050 --> 00:07:43,050 We're probably OK. 191 00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:45,290 So I'm, like, first reserve, then? 192 00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:47,890 Well, we haven't really got any reserves, so sort of no. 193 00:07:48,670 --> 00:07:49,649 Cool, cool, cool. 194 00:07:49,650 --> 00:07:50,650 Simples. 195 00:07:52,010 --> 00:07:53,130 How about a free ticket instead? 196 00:07:53,730 --> 00:07:56,650 Well, it's for charity, so there aren't really any free tickets. Yeah, nice one, 197 00:07:56,730 --> 00:08:00,570 Carl. I'll catch you later, yeah? So Jay had a size zero chance of becoming a 198 00:08:00,570 --> 00:08:02,590 model, but Simon was practising hard. 199 00:08:03,190 --> 00:08:04,190 Simon's my best friend. 200 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:07,060 This bloke is my best friend. 201 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:09,520 What the fuck do you think you're doing? 202 00:08:10,380 --> 00:08:11,380 Spying on me? 203 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:13,600 Spying? Is that how you get your kicks? 204 00:08:13,940 --> 00:08:16,520 It's all right. It's just I think we've found the new David Beckham. Right, 205 00:08:16,660 --> 00:08:17,579 that's it. 206 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:18,479 That is it. 207 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:19,600 I'm sick of you people. 208 00:08:19,860 --> 00:08:20,739 I'm leaving. 209 00:08:20,740 --> 00:08:22,340 You're not going out now. You've got school tomorrow. 210 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,560 Yeah, run away at the weekend when you've got your car back. 211 00:08:24,860 --> 00:08:27,840 Well, I'm not spending another second in this house with you utter twats. 212 00:08:28,540 --> 00:08:29,540 Where are you going? 213 00:08:29,580 --> 00:08:30,580 Paris or Milan? 214 00:08:30,820 --> 00:08:31,820 Fuck off! 215 00:08:34,530 --> 00:08:35,890 He's just like Naomi Campbell. 216 00:08:36,130 --> 00:08:39,710 So Simon was well on his way to becoming a supermodel. He had the temperament, 217 00:08:39,750 --> 00:08:42,330 now all he needed was bulimia and a cocaine addiction. 218 00:08:43,130 --> 00:08:46,910 The next night was the fashion show, and I realised in my role as doorman, I had 219 00:08:46,910 --> 00:08:49,230 the perfect opportunity to ruin everything for everyone. 220 00:08:49,490 --> 00:08:50,690 I'm not saying don't give to charity. 221 00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:51,929 Do give to charity. 222 00:08:51,930 --> 00:08:54,790 I'm just saying you can give without supporting this egotistical vanity fest. 223 00:08:55,030 --> 00:08:56,450 My daughter is one of the models. 224 00:08:56,910 --> 00:08:58,050 Then you've failed her. 225 00:08:58,330 --> 00:09:00,890 What? God, five pounds, please. 226 00:09:03,250 --> 00:09:06,490 Well, I think it's so great that you're helping out. I knew you'd come round. I 227 00:09:06,490 --> 00:09:09,350 don't come round. I still feel exactly the same about this sham popularity 228 00:09:09,350 --> 00:09:12,630 parade. You're being such an arse. What is wrong with you? 229 00:09:13,090 --> 00:09:14,470 Alistair nearly died. God! 230 00:09:15,530 --> 00:09:17,990 Carly, what did you say to her? Nothing. 231 00:09:18,250 --> 00:09:19,910 Maybe a small dose of the truth. 232 00:09:20,350 --> 00:09:23,430 Will, seriously, you have to stop cock-blocking with all this principled 233 00:09:23,430 --> 00:09:26,770 shit. Simon, if Nelson Mandela hadn't stood up for his beliefs, where would we 234 00:09:26,770 --> 00:09:27,329 be now? 235 00:09:27,330 --> 00:09:28,750 We wouldn't have Nelson's column for a start. 236 00:09:29,170 --> 00:09:31,650 Yes, we would. I'd better have a piss before this starts. 237 00:09:31,850 --> 00:09:34,050 And a poo, Si. What have you done? 238 00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:36,510 Just my new look. What, the Pat Butcher look? 239 00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:38,030 I'd say more Pirates of the Caribbean. 240 00:09:38,350 --> 00:09:40,110 Exactly. If the Pirates shopped at Matalan. 241 00:09:40,450 --> 00:09:42,850 Yeah, well, you won't be laughing when I'm getting all the pussy cos I'm up on 242 00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:43,489 the catwalk. 243 00:09:43,490 --> 00:09:45,330 You're not going to be on the catwalk. You are modelling. 244 00:09:45,690 --> 00:09:46,690 On first reserve. 245 00:09:46,810 --> 00:09:49,130 What, in case the models fancy themselves so much they actually eat 246 00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:50,950 themselves? Oh, you would if you could, though. 247 00:09:51,190 --> 00:09:54,250 What? Suck yourself off. That's not what I meant. 248 00:09:54,530 --> 00:09:55,530 Yeah, but I bet you've tried it. 249 00:09:55,850 --> 00:09:58,850 We all have. I managed to lick the tip once, but it took a lot of stretching. 250 00:09:58,990 --> 00:10:01,930 Twice a day for a couple of weeks. Well, thanks for sharing, Neil. Right, I've 251 00:10:01,930 --> 00:10:02,950 got to go. I'm desperate for a piss. 252 00:10:03,670 --> 00:10:07,330 Neil may have had dirty stretching powers, but what he really needed was X 253 00:10:07,330 --> 00:10:07,969 -ray vision. 254 00:10:07,970 --> 00:10:09,110 Oh, what the fuck is this? 255 00:10:09,490 --> 00:10:10,490 It's a curtain. 256 00:10:10,850 --> 00:10:13,330 Where's all the birds? I thought there'd be wall-to-wall parents hanging here. 257 00:10:13,570 --> 00:10:15,670 Presumably they're on the other side of the curtain. Well, why have they done 258 00:10:15,670 --> 00:10:18,010 that? We can't see them getting undressed now. For that exact reason, 259 00:10:18,190 --> 00:10:21,250 Neil. Oh, fucking bollocks. That's a spanner to my plan. 260 00:10:21,910 --> 00:10:22,910 There's got to be a hole. 261 00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,630 Come on, you're going to be getting my clothes ready. Yeah, I think this is a 262 00:10:25,630 --> 00:10:26,630 little bit more important. 263 00:10:26,810 --> 00:10:27,890 You ready to go here, Simon? 264 00:10:28,230 --> 00:10:31,110 Yeah, nearly ready. Great. We're having an after-party in the common room later. 265 00:10:31,430 --> 00:10:34,210 Mark Donovan's got some booze, so you'll come to that, yeah? Oh, yeah, obviously. 266 00:10:34,350 --> 00:10:35,350 Amazing. 267 00:10:38,350 --> 00:10:40,910 I was washing my hands and it splashed back onto my lap. 268 00:10:41,490 --> 00:10:43,770 It's fine. Just make sure that everything is spotless at the runway, 269 00:10:43,950 --> 00:10:44,789 yeah? 270 00:10:44,790 --> 00:10:45,729 I'm really sorry. 271 00:10:45,730 --> 00:10:46,369 It's OK. 272 00:10:46,370 --> 00:10:48,290 I've got a run. There's still a million things to deal with. 273 00:10:48,670 --> 00:10:50,610 Oh, Neil, do you know which boys are dressing? 274 00:10:50,930 --> 00:10:52,550 Boys? I thought I was dressing the girls. 275 00:10:53,599 --> 00:10:57,040 No, of course not. You and Mr Kennedy are dressing the boys. You're the only 276 00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:58,140 volunteers. See you later. 277 00:10:58,980 --> 00:10:59,980 Oh, no. 278 00:11:01,260 --> 00:11:02,260 Peter Kennedy? 279 00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:04,900 I suppose at least if you run out of space, you'd better hang the clothes on 280 00:11:04,900 --> 00:11:05,900 the end of his red cock. 281 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:09,800 So, no naked girls for Neil, just a sexual predator in a waistcoat. 282 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:13,520 Meanwhile, I was having difficulty convincing proud parents to join my 283 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:14,920 boycott. Charity, not vanity! 284 00:11:15,380 --> 00:11:16,380 Hello, stranger. 285 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:17,800 Charlotte. Hi. 286 00:11:18,340 --> 00:11:19,840 Charlotte. Here. 287 00:11:20,060 --> 00:11:21,080 Yeah, good spot. 288 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:22,360 Yes. Ha! 289 00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:24,160 No, I mean, what are you doing here? 290 00:11:24,460 --> 00:11:26,160 Well, I had a reading week, so I thought I'd come home. 291 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:29,100 I didn't know this was your sort of thing. You know, fashion. 292 00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:31,880 Oh, it's not. I think it's shit and everyone taking part in it is a vain, 293 00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:32,859 talentless twat. 294 00:11:32,860 --> 00:11:34,000 I'm in it. Apart from you. 295 00:11:34,380 --> 00:11:35,380 And maybe Si. 296 00:11:36,180 --> 00:11:37,540 Why did no-one tell me you're in it? 297 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,420 Well, I didn't know if I could make it, so they put me down as, like, a special 298 00:11:40,420 --> 00:11:43,360 guest or something really embarrassing, just cos I once did some catalogue 299 00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:44,360 modelling. 300 00:11:44,420 --> 00:11:45,420 Underwear? No. 301 00:11:46,030 --> 00:11:48,910 You are going to come watch me, though, aren't you? Even though I'm a talentless 302 00:11:48,910 --> 00:11:52,410 twat. Oh, yeah. No, no, I was only joking about that. Oh, yeah, no, I'm 303 00:11:52,410 --> 00:11:54,970 really behind this whole thing, taking the money, helping set it up. Why are 304 00:11:54,970 --> 00:11:56,650 you trying to ruin this event, Mackenzie? Good timing. 305 00:11:56,890 --> 00:11:59,310 Do you think kidney patients like me should die? Is that it? 306 00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:01,190 No. Come on, mate. That's a bit extreme. 307 00:12:01,770 --> 00:12:03,170 Is he trying to stop you coming in, too? 308 00:12:03,610 --> 00:12:04,770 No, I'm one of the models. 309 00:12:05,410 --> 00:12:06,610 Oh, you must be Charlotte. 310 00:12:07,290 --> 00:12:09,450 Oh, wow's a rooney. 311 00:12:10,670 --> 00:12:13,530 Are you aware this weasel's trying to stop people giving money to charity? 312 00:12:14,050 --> 00:12:16,400 Well... No, that's not entirely correct. 313 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,700 Look, Alistair, why don't we go and have a chat about this somewhere different, 314 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:20,860 eh? No, let's talk about it here. Wasn't a request. 315 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:22,120 See you later, Charlotte. 316 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:24,800 What are you doing? Are you trying to wheel me away? 317 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:28,400 This thing's got brakes, you know, you can't just roll me off. You're trying to 318 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:29,400 sabotage this event. 319 00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:30,680 I won't stand for it. 320 00:12:31,340 --> 00:12:33,160 No, I won't stand for it. 321 00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:34,700 I won't. 322 00:12:35,220 --> 00:12:38,220 This is my special day and you're trying to ruin it! 323 00:12:38,860 --> 00:12:39,980 I'm going to go and get ready. 324 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:43,600 Well, I think I got away with that. 325 00:12:52,310 --> 00:12:56,310 Brilliant. At the school fashion show, Simon's big moment almost arrived, and 326 00:12:56,310 --> 00:12:58,330 Neil didn't give a shit. Neil, can you give me a hand, please? 327 00:12:58,610 --> 00:13:01,130 Oh, mate, this is like torture. I spent the last week thinking about the 328 00:13:01,130 --> 00:13:04,090 snatches back there. I'm in a rush, Neil. I reckon Sarah Bell's got lovely 329 00:13:04,090 --> 00:13:08,010 big nipples, and I bet Jo Larkin shaves her pubes. We can hear you, you pervert. 330 00:13:08,150 --> 00:13:11,130 Who said that? It's on your curtain. We can hear everything you're saying. Shit. 331 00:13:11,530 --> 00:13:12,530 He's really sorry. 332 00:13:13,020 --> 00:13:13,999 all of those voices. 333 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:14,979 It's Simon Cooper. 334 00:13:14,980 --> 00:13:15,939 Do something, Neil. 335 00:13:15,940 --> 00:13:17,060 Abby, get Sarah Bell's nipples. 336 00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:18,880 Right, that's it. I'm getting a teacher. 337 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:20,540 Shit. Thanks, Neil. Good job. 338 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,120 All right, you've sanded the ponce. What's going on here, then? Neil's 339 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:23,899 getting me shit. 340 00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:27,380 They've got a curtain up so we can't see the clunge. It's totally sexist. Ah, the 341 00:13:27,380 --> 00:13:28,380 crafty fuckers. 342 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:31,200 They tried this when we did the school play. We just cut a hole in the curtain 343 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:34,520 and stuck our knobs for it. It was well horny. We was getting noshed off in 344 00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:37,560 between scenes. We can still hear you. And that never happened. 345 00:13:37,860 --> 00:13:38,860 Simon, you're on, hon. 346 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,800 It's models only back here. Yeah, but look. 347 00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:45,660 Two. The left one looks infected. Please hurry up, Simon. You're on next. 348 00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:48,020 Can someone just help me with my fucking cufflinks, please? 349 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:49,179 All right, precious. 350 00:13:49,180 --> 00:13:50,139 I'll help you. 351 00:13:50,140 --> 00:13:52,700 But if you haven't got them on in 30 seconds, I'm going out there in your 352 00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:57,140 place. No, your girl said there was some sort of problem back... Oh. 353 00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:00,800 Come on. We'd better get you out of these clothes. 354 00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:03,020 But, sir, I'm not modelling. 355 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:04,760 Oh. 356 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:06,960 You should be. 357 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:10,340 So as Neil tried to swerve the advances of a man who it seemed incredible the 358 00:14:10,340 --> 00:14:13,640 school continued to employ, the world's least stylish fashion show got underway. 359 00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:17,900 Our first collections theme is Glamorous Nights, and it's put together, in 360 00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:19,820 correct tense, by Carly D'Amato. 361 00:14:20,220 --> 00:14:24,800 Modelling, that should be two L's, these gorgeous outfits are the equally 362 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:26,900 gorgeous, Christ, who wrote this? 363 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,900 Stephen DeBell, Richard Murray and Simon Cooper. 364 00:14:35,770 --> 00:14:38,990 I'm not sure what the word for the opposite of cool is, but I think I know 365 00:14:38,990 --> 00:14:39,990 what it looks like. 366 00:14:46,170 --> 00:14:50,350 Sadly, I couldn't enjoy Simon's dreadful modelling for long. I had a two-wheeled 367 00:14:50,350 --> 00:14:51,350 nightmare on my case. 368 00:14:53,870 --> 00:14:54,870 Mackenzie! 369 00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:58,880 You try anything like that again, I will... Asda, I think we got off on the 370 00:14:58,880 --> 00:14:59,479 wrong foot. 371 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:00,900 Is that meant to be a joke about the chair? 372 00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:04,120 I can walk, you know. I just get tired easy. No, no, no, it's not that. I think 373 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:07,140 we just differ on ways to raise money. I happen to think that this is exclusive 374 00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:08,140 and about vanity. 375 00:15:08,180 --> 00:15:10,000 And I happen to think you're a wanker. 376 00:15:10,540 --> 00:15:11,780 It's not very mature, is it? 377 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:15,880 Even in this chair, I could kick your arse. I could kick your arse right in. 378 00:15:16,020 --> 00:15:17,020 How? 379 00:15:17,260 --> 00:15:18,560 Let's not make a scene. Come on! 380 00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:20,520 Hey! You're mental! 381 00:15:21,530 --> 00:15:23,410 It's mental! Fuck you! 382 00:15:24,070 --> 00:15:25,690 Well, you've got to help me. Hi, sexy. 383 00:15:26,030 --> 00:15:28,370 I was supposed to be modelling with Paul Keenan, but he got so nervous he drank a 384 00:15:28,370 --> 00:15:30,030 bottle of vodka and passed out in the staff toilets. 385 00:15:30,670 --> 00:15:31,670 Please, will you take his place? 386 00:15:32,010 --> 00:15:33,010 Me? 387 00:15:35,150 --> 00:15:37,990 Erm... He won't do it. He thinks it's exclusive vanity. 388 00:15:38,370 --> 00:15:40,950 Right. No, he's talking shit. It's the painkillers. Of course I'll do it. 389 00:15:41,010 --> 00:15:42,010 Great. What? 390 00:15:42,370 --> 00:15:43,490 You hypocrite! 391 00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:45,850 Ow! OK, right, you. Time for sleep. 392 00:15:46,310 --> 00:15:48,210 Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Come on. 393 00:15:48,830 --> 00:15:49,549 Is he okay? 394 00:15:49,550 --> 00:15:51,450 Yeah, he's fine. He gets very grumpy when he's tired. 395 00:15:52,550 --> 00:15:53,950 Yes, this is going really well. 396 00:15:54,790 --> 00:15:58,110 Amazingly, no cock up so far. Oh, well done. You've mastered walking like a 397 00:15:58,110 --> 00:16:00,970 knob and looking like a dick at the same time. This is actually enjoyable. 398 00:16:01,310 --> 00:16:05,210 In an I'm shitting myself kind of way. If you shit yourself in them trousers, I 399 00:16:05,210 --> 00:16:07,650 ain't touching them. Of course I haven't. You walk like you have. Neil, 400 00:16:07,730 --> 00:16:08,810 quick. I need help getting dressed. 401 00:16:09,110 --> 00:16:12,310 You are dressed. No, dressed into something else. This. For the fashion 402 00:16:12,310 --> 00:16:14,150 show. I'm modelling in the fashion show. 403 00:16:14,470 --> 00:16:15,910 Well, that's not happening. I'm first reserve. 404 00:16:16,170 --> 00:16:16,959 No, no. 405 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,420 What's up with you? I thought this was the worst sort of vanity. 406 00:16:19,660 --> 00:16:22,220 Yeah, well, I've changed my mind. Somebody pulled out and Charlotte asked 407 00:16:22,220 --> 00:16:24,800 me to fill in. So give me the clothes. 408 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:28,120 Oh, right, now it makes sense. One flash of Charlotte's tits and your morals go 409 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:30,900 out the window. Well, we can discuss my morals later, after I get these fucking 410 00:16:30,900 --> 00:16:32,560 jeans on. God, they're tight. 411 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,400 I mean, it can't be comfortable to walk around in jeans this tight every day, 412 00:16:35,460 --> 00:16:36,580 can it? Here, let me help. 413 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:39,100 What is this fucking banging out of order? 414 00:16:39,380 --> 00:16:43,640 On first reserve? It was me Charlotte wanted. She chose me. That's the only 415 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,420 reason I'm doing it. Yeah, well, they'll be sorry. 416 00:16:45,820 --> 00:16:48,800 I'll show them. Columbine massacre show them or futile gesture show them? 417 00:16:48,900 --> 00:16:49,900 Whatever's worse. 418 00:16:51,020 --> 00:16:54,040 Um, Neil, you just brushed my penis there. Yeah. 419 00:16:56,220 --> 00:16:57,740 That's the second time. Yeah, I know. 420 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:01,600 Of course, the only reason I was taking part in the fashion show was to get my 421 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,220 penis brushed, but by Charlotte, not Neil. 422 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,480 Oh, I don't want to get ready so quickly. 423 00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:11,280 Exciting, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Look, I just wanted to say, I'm really pleased 424 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,280 you picked me. It means a lot. 425 00:17:12,420 --> 00:17:13,560 Didn't have a choice, really, did I? 426 00:17:14,070 --> 00:17:14,809 Didn't you? 427 00:17:14,810 --> 00:17:17,750 No, we had to find someone to fit the clothes, and I was like, who do I know 428 00:17:17,750 --> 00:17:18,750 that's really short? 429 00:17:18,810 --> 00:17:20,470 Oh. And then, obviously, I thought of you. 430 00:17:20,730 --> 00:17:21,730 Is that really the reason? 431 00:17:21,869 --> 00:17:23,030 No, not really. 432 00:17:23,369 --> 00:17:25,150 Then let me choose who I wanted, and I chose you. 433 00:17:25,450 --> 00:17:26,630 Oh, thanks, Charlotte. 434 00:17:27,069 --> 00:17:28,270 Although it did have to be someone short. 435 00:17:28,750 --> 00:17:32,670 Right. And the next theme is 70s disco. 436 00:17:33,270 --> 00:17:34,270 Oh, brilliant. 437 00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:42,660 I'm a principled man, and one of those principles turns out to be I'll do 438 00:17:42,660 --> 00:17:45,360 literally anything a girl I fancy asks me to. 439 00:17:50,660 --> 00:17:57,580 All right, I'm willing to admit I also got a bit carried away. 440 00:18:03,510 --> 00:18:06,670 But they do say a woman can tell a lot about what a man's like in bed from the 441 00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:07,569 way he dances. 442 00:18:07,570 --> 00:18:10,270 Which meant that if I did pull Charlotte, she'd be expecting surprising 443 00:18:10,270 --> 00:18:14,190 enthusiasm, a lot of finger work, and an abrupt stop when I remembered where I 444 00:18:14,190 --> 00:18:15,190 was. 445 00:18:18,580 --> 00:18:21,920 Meanwhile, backstage, Neil was finally experiencing some job satisfaction. 446 00:18:22,300 --> 00:18:23,540 Oh, fucking hell, we're lost. 447 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:25,040 Simon, there's been a slight change of plan. 448 00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:28,620 Chris Yates was meant to be wearing this for my sexy finale, but he's just taken 449 00:18:28,620 --> 00:18:32,000 off his shirt and his back is disgustingly hairy, so I sacked him. I 450 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:33,000 thought this was for charity. 451 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,280 You know when you get loads of hair caught around the plug hole in the bath 452 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:36,440 and it gets all matted and wet? 453 00:18:36,820 --> 00:18:39,500 Yeah? Yeah, well, his back looked like that. It nearly made me vomit, so he's 454 00:18:39,500 --> 00:18:42,760 sacked. Anyway, it means that I need you to wear this instead for the sexy 455 00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:43,760 finale. 456 00:18:43,910 --> 00:18:44,910 Are they Speedos? 457 00:18:45,230 --> 00:18:47,790 Simon, you've been brilliant all night. Plus, you've got a great body. 458 00:18:48,490 --> 00:18:49,510 Please? For me? 459 00:18:50,570 --> 00:18:51,570 Of course. Thanks. 460 00:18:52,470 --> 00:18:53,730 See you out there. You've got one minute. 461 00:18:55,290 --> 00:18:56,870 This is so fucking unfair. 462 00:18:57,170 --> 00:18:59,830 So I'm not even second reserve now? Who's she going to ask next? Big job! 463 00:19:00,110 --> 00:19:01,250 Well, do you want to wear the Speedos? 464 00:19:01,470 --> 00:19:02,470 No! 465 00:19:02,710 --> 00:19:03,730 Oh, what's the point? 466 00:19:04,030 --> 00:19:07,070 Ah! Oh, mate, your ear don't look great. It's covered in pus. 467 00:19:08,090 --> 00:19:10,070 Oh, fucking hell, I'd better get this looked at. 468 00:19:10,370 --> 00:19:13,210 Good luck, boner. Try not to get a stiffy in them Speedos. 469 00:19:14,430 --> 00:19:17,330 He's right. You're in trouble, Si. I nearly shot my bolt just looking at her 470 00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:20,130 and all she was doing was standing there being moany. Did you hear what she said? 471 00:19:20,270 --> 00:19:23,150 She thinks I've got a great body. If I could just do this one thing for her, 472 00:19:23,190 --> 00:19:25,610 who knows what could happen? I know. You'll get a boner in front of the whole 473 00:19:25,610 --> 00:19:28,110 school and in speedos there is no hiding it. Trust me. 474 00:19:28,450 --> 00:19:29,450 I'll sit here a couple of minutes. 475 00:19:29,990 --> 00:19:30,990 I can do it. 476 00:19:31,630 --> 00:19:32,630 I can do this. 477 00:19:32,910 --> 00:19:33,950 Simon, are you ready yet? 478 00:19:34,630 --> 00:19:35,630 Can you give me a hand, Neil? 479 00:19:37,350 --> 00:19:38,350 Nah, you're alright. 480 00:19:43,180 --> 00:19:47,060 It was so amazing, so brilliant. I could not have done it without you. How was 481 00:19:47,060 --> 00:19:48,500 it? He was brilliant! 482 00:19:48,940 --> 00:19:49,699 Was he? 483 00:19:49,700 --> 00:19:50,940 Yeah, he was all like, yay! 484 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:52,400 Yay! 485 00:19:52,420 --> 00:19:53,420 It wasn't entirely yay. 486 00:19:54,580 --> 00:19:55,580 Come on, Simon, we're on. 487 00:19:56,700 --> 00:19:58,420 Are you all right? Please don't distract me. 488 00:19:59,820 --> 00:20:04,160 Simon was concentrating so hard on not getting a boner that his oblivious talk 489 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:06,800 can only be described as quite a serious wardrobe malfunction. 490 00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:48,460 I love that. Seriously, thank you, Will. I'm so grateful. 491 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,700 Oh, it was nothing. Just what was left of my dignity. 492 00:20:51,060 --> 00:20:52,500 Oh, come on, it wasn't that bad. 493 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:54,180 And what other guy would have done that for me? 494 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:58,360 I mean, uni's great, but there's no one there like you. Shut up. No, seriously. 495 00:20:58,580 --> 00:21:02,480 All I want is a boyfriend like you. I mean, you're funny and you're sweet and 496 00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:06,200 you're kind to me. I think I'd be happy if I had someone in my life just like 497 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:07,200 you. 498 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:09,880 Well, what about me? 499 00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:15,220 No, no, not you. No, no, someone like you. 500 00:21:16,300 --> 00:21:17,300 You're so funny. 501 00:21:17,420 --> 00:21:18,500 Not you, obviously. 502 00:21:19,300 --> 00:21:21,120 Come on, lovely, let's go for a drink. No, 503 00:21:21,820 --> 00:21:22,820 I'm OK, thanks. 504 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:25,940 I'll just wait here, I think. OK, come on. 505 00:21:29,780 --> 00:21:32,000 Nice one, twat face. Good dancing. 506 00:21:32,300 --> 00:21:36,160 All that whining and complaining for what? Nothing. You're what they call a 507 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:37,280 sanctimonious prick. 508 00:21:38,220 --> 00:21:40,600 Yes, well, good to talk to you again, Al. Is that all? 509 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:41,840 No. 510 00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,900 I hope one day you get serious on this too. 511 00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:50,000 Oh, fuck off, Alistair, you dick! 512 00:21:50,260 --> 00:21:51,260 You're a dick! 513 00:21:51,420 --> 00:21:52,399 You're a dick! 514 00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:54,960 You were great. Yeah, a bit of a weird reaction. It wasn't meant to be funny, 515 00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:56,039 it was meant to be glamorous. 516 00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:59,260 You're a dick! No, you're a dick! You're a dick! Come on, calm down. 517 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:00,480 Don't spoil a good evening. 518 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:03,620 We've put on a great show and we've raised a hell of a lot of money, haven't 519 00:22:03,620 --> 00:22:05,880 we, Carl's? You know your testicle's sticking out. What? 520 00:22:06,970 --> 00:22:08,410 Is that why everyone was laughing? 521 00:22:08,690 --> 00:22:09,930 Has it been out the whole time? 522 00:22:10,190 --> 00:22:12,490 Oh, my God, you've been walking behind me, mocking me. 523 00:22:12,870 --> 00:22:16,770 You've ruined my big night. I thought you liked me, you arsehole. Hey, hey, 524 00:22:16,770 --> 00:22:19,390 Carlos, it's all right. It's cool. Come on. Look, Carly, listen, please. That 525 00:22:19,390 --> 00:22:20,470 was fun. You looked super sexy. 526 00:22:20,750 --> 00:22:21,669 A bit overdramatic. 527 00:22:21,670 --> 00:22:23,530 It's only a bollock. Fucking hell, I'm going to kill Neil. 528 00:22:23,910 --> 00:22:24,910 Didn't you feel a draft? 529 00:22:25,270 --> 00:22:26,750 Yeah, it was tingling, but I thought it was nerves. 530 00:22:27,090 --> 00:22:28,510 Oh, God, do you think people saw? 531 00:22:28,790 --> 00:22:31,210 Yes. It was eye level for most of the audience. 532 00:22:31,450 --> 00:22:32,450 Oh, God, no! 533 00:22:33,270 --> 00:22:35,670 No! I suppose you thought that was funny, did you? 534 00:22:36,090 --> 00:22:37,790 Well, your little joke's got you in a lot of trouble. 535 00:22:37,990 --> 00:22:39,210 Honestly, it wasn't a joke. 536 00:22:39,410 --> 00:22:43,450 No, there is nothing funny about testicles, Cooper, as you'll discover 537 00:22:43,450 --> 00:22:44,690 tomorrow in my office. 538 00:22:45,650 --> 00:22:46,650 What? 539 00:22:46,810 --> 00:22:48,630 Sorry, sir, that sounds a bit weird. 540 00:22:48,870 --> 00:22:49,870 No, it didn't. 541 00:22:50,770 --> 00:22:51,770 See me tomorrow. 542 00:22:52,690 --> 00:22:58,870 It did sound weird. And talking of weird... Right, then, let's get you out 543 00:22:58,870 --> 00:22:59,870 of these clothes. 544 00:23:00,170 --> 00:23:01,330 Sir, I told you, I'm not modelling. 545 00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:03,260 Oh, no, no, no, no. You are. 546 00:23:03,460 --> 00:23:04,800 You are. I had word with the man. 547 00:23:05,180 --> 00:23:07,540 The man said... The show finished ten minutes ago. 548 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:08,920 Oh. 549 00:23:09,020 --> 00:23:10,020 You've been drinking, sir. 550 00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:12,440 Come on, Tom. Let's go and get you some fresh air. 551 00:23:14,060 --> 00:23:17,440 Putting my fucking neck on the line with you, John. So we headed home. 552 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:19,340 Simon haven't learned at least one thing. 553 00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:21,160 Never put on Speedos in a rush. 554 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,360 I mean, why'd you agree to wear it in the first place? 555 00:23:23,660 --> 00:23:26,780 Carly told me to. Even with your whole sack covered, you'd look ridiculous. 556 00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:29,400 Speedos, DMs, top hat and a leash. 557 00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:30,860 What maniac designed that? 558 00:23:31,060 --> 00:23:32,480 Who thought, you know what's fashionable? 559 00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:34,460 Dressing like an upper-class mental patient. 560 00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:36,400 Hi. Did you get that boner then, Si? 561 00:23:36,740 --> 00:23:40,000 No. Oh, well done. But my left bollock was sticking out the entire time. 562 00:23:40,420 --> 00:23:41,580 Fucking hell, I'm lucky. 563 00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:42,859 I blame you. 564 00:23:42,860 --> 00:23:43,759 All right, guys. 565 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:44,760 How's your ear, Jay? 566 00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:48,660 Perfect. That's why I got to wear this massive bandage. I suppose that's your 567 00:23:48,660 --> 00:23:51,200 modelling career, fuck, then. He never had a modelling career. 568 00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:54,440 Yeah, but I'm not bothered, cos I fucked the nurse that looked after me. The St 569 00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:55,660 John's ambulance lady? 570 00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:57,960 Yes. Isn't she Warren Dunkley's nan? 571 00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:00,880 No, there was another one that looked like Lucy Pinder. Of course there was. 572 00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:02,940 Are we going to this party, then? I'm definitely not going. 573 00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:04,820 Normally, I think I'd burst into tears. 574 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:06,220 Oh, what, cos you're so unpopular? 575 00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:08,080 No, Neil, because of Charlotte. 576 00:24:08,750 --> 00:24:11,410 Oh, what happened with her, then? She basically told me I had no chance at 577 00:24:11,410 --> 00:24:12,950 all, ever. Yeah, well, I told you that. 578 00:24:13,170 --> 00:24:14,950 Yeah, but funny enough, it hurt more coming from her. 579 00:24:15,210 --> 00:24:16,310 You know I snogged her once? 580 00:24:16,550 --> 00:24:18,210 No, I did not know that! 581 00:24:18,690 --> 00:24:21,390 I could have sworn I told you. I think I would have remembered such crushing 582 00:24:21,390 --> 00:24:24,490 news. Oh, well, don't worry, it was after you. That makes it worse. Yeah, 583 00:24:24,550 --> 00:24:25,910 now it's like a betrayal, too. 584 00:24:26,590 --> 00:24:27,850 Was it just a snog? 585 00:24:28,350 --> 00:24:29,350 Neil, please! 586 00:24:29,750 --> 00:24:32,510 Yeah, of course, mate, of course. Just a snog. Well, that's something. 587 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,780 I'd learned a few things that week myself. 588 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:39,260 None good or bad. 589 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:41,700 Jay's driving is worse than his fashion sense. 590 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:46,180 Neil is catnip for pedos. Just because you've only got one kidney doesn't mean 591 00:24:46,180 --> 00:24:47,180 you're not a total dick. 592 00:24:47,380 --> 00:24:49,880 And Simon has extremely hairy balls. 593 00:25:05,580 --> 00:25:10,000 I'm singing and I'm singing Why can't I stay like this?